...foolish things.

I appear to be going slightly potty at the moment.

I'm at a total loss to explain it.

So distracted from what I should be doing.

I phoned into work today , told them I wouldn't be there & went shopping instead.

I never do that.

Lara dosen't often go shopping as a rule,  & certainly not on her front door step.

Today I just had to give up bowing to others expectations.

I needed time to my self.

I lost a lot of the day browsing , not buying .

No need to buy.

Shop assistance all being very pleasent. 

I went to see the very nice folk at Macc in Norwich, finaly got around to finding a foundation that will actually suit.

Sorted out an appointment to get something sorted on my hair too.  Another nice lady in the salon.

Lots of advice on why it's breaking so much at the moment.

Stopped sort, wondering 'should I get my ears peirced?',  it was a close run thing though.

No snide remakes in the street , why's every one being so nice ?

A good day & probably a tonic I felt I needed at the moment.

Which is ok ,  a tonic is pleasent , but doesn't provide answers. 

It's odd. When him I think about her,  When her I don't think much about him.

None of the pressure to cover up. Less of the need to control myself.

Which scares and elates at the same time.  Arg.  Just how screwed up is all of this?.

I think the definition of who I thought I was may need clarifying despite my convictions to the contrary.

I though I was clear where I stood.

...but running away from it ....going shopping although a distraction, is not the solution.

...matter over mind

Last months holiday was, it seems; a little more difficult for me than I imagined it would be.

Too much time to ponder can be a dangerous thing. Even more dangerous when you don't come up with any satidfactory answers.

I appear inwardly to be so full of contradictions, while outwardly trying to maintain an elaborate deception to my self & the world at large.

I was in a situation I should have enjoyed , sailing around, meeting interesting folk, seeing new stuff.  All good,  but in a very masculine environment. 

As I stated previously, I missed the girl.  I can't fully explain the feeling.  I felt I had put up a massive facade for a few weeks.

Not that it is not generally there, but it felt more intense than normal.  

I think I just missed being me. 

Returning to home & to work has been a bit of a blur.

The relief. The re-acceleration from almost total wind down.

...,but the absolute distraction has been intense also.

Can't get her out of my head.

...return to gender

Ive been away for just under a month.

I had joined a yacht delivery flotilla , only a reletively short trip from Archea Epidavros in the Saronic , through the Corinth canal , the gulf , into the south Ionian,  up through the Lefkas Canal & into the Adriatic sea to Corfu.  Slow paced for most of the time . I could probably have walked it quicker many days .

What the trip afforded me was time.  Time to realise just how wound up & stressed I had become, time to think. Time to switch off.

I've done a few of these trips before. Each one simular in it's structure , each one unique in its execution.

So many external influences determine how the day will go. Location , weather, harbour space available, distance, & people.  These are the things that have always appealed. The not really knowing 100% where you'll end up the next day or what you'll find.

Sailing, walking, swimming, exploring with my camera & sketchpad.

Not many folks idea of fun , but a small snatch of heaven for me.

So what was the differnces for me this time around ?

Well I was on my own this time. Pot lucking on a boat with another lady & a chap .None of us knew each other.

I found I really couldn't communicate with 'monosylabic' Bob & spending a lot of time chatting with Gill.

Not that I didn't get on with Bob , but more of a case we were totally chalk & cheese, with little common ground between us.  I like to pride myself on being easy going enough to mix with any one.  In a confined space such as the boat I think others of less forgiving nature may have struggled.

Gill on the other hand was lovely , a brief moment of shared lives where you end up knowing someone pretty well.  Their family , work, hobbies, preferences, wishes & dislikes all shared.

To this day I still know practically nothing about Bob.  Hey ho.

However back to differences. The last one of these trips I did was with friends. Which was comfortable. No pretense on my part. Just got on & enjoyed it.

This one, on my own, felt like enforced blokedom. (probably no such word , but I'm sure the english language is flexible enough to get the point across)

Other than spending a lot of time with the girls in the group walking & talking, the whole experience felt as if I was expected to be overly blokish.  I know that may sound odd, but I guess it's just the environment & the expectation of me from the male side of the group. Expectation that I should maybe be little louder, more sarcastic, have the extra drink, etc.

I should be used to it.  Many years of rugby clubs & tours should make me aware of the mindset. (not quite so intense) , but to be honest I really can't deal the whole overtly male thing any more.

The ladies mainly had their groups & cliques which I was on the edge of , but not truely a part of .

Which left me stangely out of place & unsettled in the group for a long time.

My open encarseration,  after being judged & taken at face value.

Not sure wether Gill had figured me out by the time she had to jump ship. I may never know that.

I think I found my place & acceptance socially when the crews discovered I had been sketching and cartooning their antics.  Silly little things that suddenly endear you to a whole group.

I think things became a little easier after that.

In all not a bad trip, I did make some new friends, had some sailing invites down to the south coast, had a much needed rest, saw some amazing places, had some slighly uncormfortable storm experiences & some amazing sails, got frog marched & escorted away from the Albanian border , a proper mixture.












Delphi ...the oracle was out though.

















I missed the girl deeply though.
It was a great relief to take off the pretense of the previous month upon my return.

...other happenings

I have been wandering off & doing things on my own a bit of late . Few evenings out on my own for a change.  Away from the recognised crowds & haunts. Not snubbing them , just everyone seems to be branching outward at the moment.

Not first signs of becoming a loner I hope.

However, mid week was a night out with the Hot candys crowd. Ruth had arranged an evening of talk , make up demos & entertainment for all. I know she had been fretting about its sucsess for a while.

She didnt need to worry it was well attended & well recieved by all.

Just a stones throw away from home , back at the Puppet theatre oddly.  I had only been there on the Saterday a few days earlier after an absence of some 25 years or so. 

Not sure I got the out fit right for the evening , maybe a little overdressed in a full length halter neck & jacket. Never mind I felt comfortable enough & not totally stupid as normal .

I can sometimes be accused of going off into a little world of my own. I think this must have been one of thoes occcations. My mistake was bringing my camera.  The building is old, adhoc but definite features, detailed & quirky. All the things I like to look at in architecture. It is filled with puppets hanging from the walls , doors & rafters which give it an oddly morbid, lifeless air, yet stangely appealing.

Each puppet with its own personality, crude or detailed , but all so individual and just a little sad as they hung.

It was nice to chat with the girl behind the bar about the place & the decor. What she thought of a 6 foot tranny wanding around staring at things & taking photos while everyone was elsewhere chatting I'll not know.

I suspect I can be an odd sight , mixed with odd behaviour sometimes.

She didn't bat an eyelid though. Was full of chat & on the face of it fully accepting.  My faith in people is going to be restored one day I think at this rate.

Anyhow ,  I returned to reality.  Bit embarracing to be caught being a geek in public. Not sure its socially acceptable to be truthful.
Back to the Do
Our local Macc make up girl came up and gave a demo, which , for once because she talked through every thing she was doing & why she was doing it was really quite compelling to observe.  I realise I do not have many of the issues some folk have with hiding shadows & the like, but it was nice to hear her confirm a few things I had worked out for myself with my own overbearing, facial challenges.

Katie stepped up & gave what I would call an enthusiastic talk, but from the heart. She is doing her year of reality check before transition. I met her first on probably my third or fourth time out on my own some years ago. I can percieve some changes in her. Maybe a little less forcefull in her outward convictions. Still can talk proffessionally for England.  Not my place to be cynical , but I suspect  her transition into full time may have been a little cushioned in so much as she owned the company she worked for & pretty much told her employies to live with it.  Few have it so easy with working in my limited experience.  However , it was an interesting talk & I'm always glad to hear others perspectives & experiences. One thing that struck me over all was just how happy she was though.  Somthing that only comes with getting your thoughts straight. Good for her.

Pequiliar did a little stand up at the end of the evening . Allways fairly informal with Pequiliar & allways good fun.  Acerbic, cutting & fun . Just how she is in front of an audience or otherwise. Got to love her for that .

So what now . Well, I'm going to have to put such things behind me for a while.  I shall be just under a month at sea taking a yacht on a bit of a cruise around the Med, Agean , Argolic & Adriatic seas before delivering it up to Corfu.  It will I think be easier to leave Lara outwardly behind. Althogh onboard people become effectively genderless & just get on with what they have to do. Its also a bit of a social test. To get along with people in a confines situation requires a certain amount of Trust , understanding & teamwork.  I think if I bring somethng unexpected to the table it could make for an uncomfortable trip.  As yet I dont know the other folk on the crew, so better safe than sorry.   Cowardly maybe. We shall see.

...druken debauchary..ish

For once I skipped a Friday night out. It seems buying new toys leaves you counting the pennies. So, alas some things have to go.
Never mind.

I had planned to go to see Pequiliar Bigtops one woman show at the Wheel, but this clashed with something else I had in mind.  Annoying really , but I need a change of scenery every now & again. I'm not a big fan of staleness. Too much of one venue I think would be detrimental to my confidence.

Saterday night I had planned something a little different. A night out at the theatre. Be it only a small one.
Originally I was just going to go on my tod. (Tv's can be lone creatures of the night, it's true)
, but a friend invited me along with her party. Which was really nice of her. I'm still coming to terms with acceptance from others.  The girls are really cool about it though.  Nifty.

So the plan changed.  We would all meet at Ruths, drinkies & get ready. Sounds good to me :O) .
I walked out the door trying to be a little more demure than the evening planed ahead. So it was black tunic top & leggings.  The merest wash of makeup , light foundation , & minor eyeliner.  I'm still desperately trying not to draw attention, especially around my home area. Plus it just seems inappropriate to be too overboard during the daylight hours.  Demure it is then.
Any way , quick drive across the city.  (so happy I got the girliest car I think I could get away with )
Arrive a litle early . Doh, always my way. Bad habbit. Glad to say Ruth was fine , & Im happy to find her buzzing about finding someone. Good .  Everyone deserves to be happy  :O). The homemade wine would certainly have helped me there.

The show for the night was a Burlesque Cabaret. It was being put on in the Norwich puppet theatre. Odd venue & the entertainment may be a little out of keeping . Well yes considering that the theatre is the medieval church of St James almost directly below the cathederal.  I gather they had held a few of them and these had been recieved well enough. We would see.

The girls turned up. Drinks,chat & getting ready.  Corsets , heels & stockings seemed to be the order of the day.  Not so much a trashy look for the evening , but just risque.  As the girls slipped into their corsets I have to admit a little boob envy reared it head. :O) & despite Ruth complaining she didn't have enough to filly out she looked lovely,  as did Chrsty & Karen.
Bit of a new experience for me, being part of the girly pre party session. It's certainly not the tranny atmospere  I've been exposed to in the past.  Far more pleasent.

After a lot of chat , a bit of camera posing , we set off, arriveing fashionably 20 mins late . oops.

The show is pretty good though .  Fast paced , lots of acts. Illusionists, comedy acts that ranged from strangely funny to downright, intrueigingly bizaar ,
Musical numbers from the living doll.  Got to be seen that one. The compare kept things alive. Randon poetry, plenty of good humoured heckling & witty response gave a good atmosphere.
Strip ballet was a new one on me. No full nakedness, but twirling nipple tassles somehow retaining an air of taste.

The venue itself I loved.  Not been in the place since I was probably 11.  & its what you would expect of a medieaval church. quirky building , high vaulted hall, but with the decoration of puppets & odd stage props hanging around the walls. Colour against the white wash walls. Loved it.

Interval music had very much a jazz theme , low enough to talk , loud enough to enjoy. They just managed to get things right.  

The second half , stranger and strangerer . Penguin ventrilaquisum combined with trumpet & teapot playing was a sight to behold. The final act though made the evening.
Very much a Sally Bowels Cabaret moment, Top stuff.

The evening went on after the show. Drinks in the bar. The Dj was playing a mix of upbeat Jazz & swing & jive numbers which hade folk up on their feet.  This created such A good vibe in the place . I caught my self smiling

As for Dancing , well I discovered trying to jive in a satin pencil skirt & five inch heels on an uneven stone floor was not the easiest of trick to pull off. Didn't stop me trying .

The only thing that marred the evening . Karen getting a little too much attention from one chap , which I could see her getting uncomfortable over.  I should have done the decent thing & changed seats with her.  I almost felt I had to appologise for the guys over attention.

Nevermind ,  overall a good evening and considering it was a completely straight venue I was pretty much accepted. I think I only heard , 'oh it's a guy' the once from one of the hen night girls. I can live with that . :O)

Got to thank the girls though ,  they made my evening.  :O)

...yarrg

Dammit I forgot 'international Talk like a pirate day'

Yarrg :O(

...Surgery

A friend of mine shall be undergoing SRS in a few days time.

It is only a little over a year since she declared herself to the greater world.

At the age of 19 it all seems so very fast to me.

Im happy for her, but also worried for about what she is about to undertake.

Having had to undergo major surgery myself, (not through choice & not quite the same of course), this shall be of a simular devistating scale in my eyes.

Its a big, bold & not without consequences step.

I truely feel bad a bout having mixed feelings.

Fear , hope , happiness.

I wish her well.

...nibble by nibble

Nibble by nibble , eating away at inhibitions.

I am to a degree a little more confident , no wrong & too strong a word.  I am a little more comfortable with the whole public affair.

I find myself stepping out into what I once considered the 'wild side' on an increasingly regular basis.

Probably 6 or 7 times a month, which on the face of it may not seem much , but it's more than some folks social lives I guess.  Certainly more than my shyer alter egos.

To date I've suffered no major set backs ,  a little wobble in confidence here & there and a few close shaves with people I would rather not know the un-cloaked me for now , but otherwise all positive.

At the moment the pros have outweighed the cons which makes the pain of bad experience shorter lived.

Im trying to nibble away at my self imposed limitations. Leap metal barriers one at a time,  but at my own pace. I figure this is not a race. No prize for being me to be won other than happiness.   I can test the waters , see how the ripples effect me and gauge a suitable reaction.

I see friends all around me now, taking leaps and bounds in their lives. Im so pleased, elated yet jealous & scared for them at the same time. I'm amazed at what deluge of wildly recipricating emotions I'm awash with of late.  A confusion of from absolute elation to dark desperation.  (However that's the extremities & none of us can live there with any level of reasoned sanity.)

Little things pushing me; what I assume is forward; may seem over emphesised and play on my emotional state, because it's just because the little things that mean so much.

Walking to see friends while I didn't have a car. Passing folk on the street with no adverse reaction. The odd genuine smile from someone.  All just small things, but little-big things to me.

I suppose I pushed myself a further last week.  Dinning out in a busy public restaurant. Nowhere to run . Nowhere to hide. Walking into town was no problem, likewase the restaurant , dinners & staff were all good. Relaxed would be a good description.

Thinking on this afterward. I think the leap I took that made me happiest was not pushing boundries , but one of being normal.

I think that is what I am seeking more than anything.

...de-tuned