...sailors return

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Returned from holiday on Sunday.
Wonderful time & all that goes with it.
Good sailing , good people, good food . Maybe a touch too much food, but well restrained on the wine & lots of walking  to make up

Don't think its post holiday blues, but I'm left just feeling a little empty with it all.
The nagging self doubt & all the baggaged rubbish that goes with it is maybe peeking it's head above the parapet again.
Which is ok.  I'm learning to deal with that.
I question my self all the time about the course I steer, but I'm trying my best not to wine about it to people these days. 

So feeling my way abroad.
Well there was no question she wasn't coming with me on holiday . 
I'm not sure how I could leave her at home now. 
Not something I can turn off just like that.
Only tone down the external references. 
Not for my sake.
I do try to think of others (maybe too much). Being on a yacht is a small and uncomfortable place if even one person is upset. So the rule is don't bring baggage to the table to rock the boat.
I never know how folk will react to me. Something I still learning to gauge.

So two weeks in plain shorts & tee shirts. Being ambiguous in my look.
I often said I don't need to dress outwardly . It doesn't change me. Just helps with a little confidence.
I still may look a little curious , shaven smooth , long hair, long nails, plucked eyebrows etc, but I was only questioned the once & then it was by another crew.

In the end a workable compromise was fine & why should it not be.  I've not gone full time, I compromise most days.

I think the empty feeling has arisen from having to contain & compromise my self for a longer period & being ok with that.

If I can do that when pushed , then can I actually be content with where I am.
I'm I kidding my self ?