Thursday, November 08, 2007

So last night was my first time out in public.
(Technically the third time out in the open , but safe empty places don't count.)

I'm still Gathering my thoughts, fractured & contradictory as they may be.

I had a shaky day today.
To the point where & got up & walked out of work, then just kept going for a few miles to clear my head.

So questions.....

Am I glad I went out into the public domain with actual live people?
Yes. Deeply.

Did I feel awkward, self conscious and totally out of place ?
Yes. Fuck, yes, yes.

Was I made welcome & more comfortable?
Oh god yes, and I don't know how to begin to thank every one as much as I would like.
Jessica, Sally, Mia , Laura , Thankyou :O)
Things just aren't normally that smooth & easy for me.

Did I feel I made an arse of myself ?
Well I always mumble & dither when I'm nervous, so possibly yes.

What did I learn?
Perhaps not the entire world is against me after all. My paranoia may be less well founded grounds now.
I still have major self doubt , shyness & possibly a whole raft of other neurotic hangups , which for a short time I didn't totally need to worry about. Those around me quite frankly couldn't give a flying toss & It didn't matter that I was this odd looking person in the room.
I can gather some encouragement from the others in the group.
I have to admire those who have the courage to say Fuck it , this is who I am. Glad I met them.
Not alone.

So what now.

Well, one thing I have learned is just the level of how naive I am.
Just how many things I'm doing wrong. (by my own standards if there is a wrong and right in such situations.)
Id say I have been fully dressing on & off for a couple of years now.
How many female skills I lack.
I know nothing.
My little space has been insular and singular.
I think I've just seen the new world

I don't know . I'm still thinking about it.
The long walk helped some.
....and some fallen leaves got the good kicking they deserved.


Pandora Caitiff said...

If you learn from it, then its not a mistake, but a learning opportunity.

This was your first time out, and things were a little wonky. So what? That's to be expected. Learn, adapt and prevail.

I've just joined the Yahoo group. If I like what I see, I might say "hi" one evening (and you can see you are not alone in terror or lack of T-skills!)

Flat Out said...

glad to hear all went well (despite wobbles - wobbling can be useful, it reminds us which way is up) - - sounds like it could also be a place of some useful support - - double result

Lara Tyg said...

Thank you both.
Most of the wobbles are in my head , it may take some time to relocate them.
Learning the skills to stop looking like a gorilla in a dress may take a while longer, but we shall en devour none the less.

All at the group were genuinely friendly & the pub seemingly accepting. Which helped a great deal.

So may see you then P O:)