...nibble by nibble

Monday, September 21, 2009

Nibble by nibble , eating away at inhibitions.

I am to a degree a little more confident , no wrong & too strong a word.  I am a little more comfortable with the whole public affair.
I find myself stepping out into what I once considered the 'wild side' on an increasingly regular basis.
Probably 6 or 7 times a month, which on the face of it may not seem much , but it's more than some folks social lives I guess.  Certainly more than my shyer alter egos.
To date I've suffered no major set backs ,  a little wobble in confidence here & there and a few close shaves with people I would rather not know the un-cloaked me for now , but otherwise all positive.
At the moment the pros have outweighed the cons which makes the pain of bad experience shorter lived.

Im trying to nibble away at my self imposed limitations. Leap metal barriers one at a time,  but at my own pace. I figure this is not a race. No prize for being me to be won other than happiness.   I can test the waters , see how the ripples effect me and gauge a suitable reaction.
I see friends all around me now, taking leaps and bounds in their lives. Im so pleased, elated yet jealous & scared for them at the same time. I'm amazed at what deluge of wildly recipricating emotions I'm awash with of late.  A confusion of from absolute elation to dark desperation.  (However that's the extremities & none of us can live there with any level of reasoned sanity.)

Little things pushing me; what I assume is forward; may seem over emphesised and play on my emotional state, because it's just because the little things that mean so much.
Walking to see friends while I didn't have a car. Passing folk on the street with no adverse reaction. The odd genuine smile from someone.  All just small things, but little-big things to me.

I suppose I pushed myself a further last week.  Dinning out in a busy public restaurant. Nowhere to run . Nowhere to hide. Walking into town was no problem, likewase the restaurant , dinners & staff were all good. Relaxed would be a good description.

Thinking on this afterward. I think the leap I took that made me happiest was not pushing boundries , but one of being normal.

I think that is what I am seeking more than anything.