...and not a lion in sight

Monday, July 27, 2009

I did my first Pride this weekend.
Well when it practically walks within a mile of your front door how can you not.

Bit of a mixed day to be honest.
Started off doing the most blokish things so far this year. Buying a new car.
Something I once told myself I would never do, but then I said that about walking around in public in a dress I recall.

So the morning was a whole bit of a rush .
Back home at 11:45 , rushing round getting ready to attend the picnic in the park which was due to assemble at 12. I figured with the best will in the world I wasn't going to make it.
Anyway , my best endeavours I was out of the door at 1:15 looking to say the least a little bland.
I was aiming for this to be truthful. Pale eyeshadow ,dark mascara, no liner, the lightest of foundations, bare lips. Girls jeans & skinnyish tee shirt Hair tied back.
This was to be my first trip into the heart of the busy city.
Silly really. I've been out a fair bit into public spaces , around crowds of people & for some reason when alone, sometimes I still freeze. Self conscious bulls**t left over from my youth I think.

Anyway grabbed the car (lazy I know) rushed to the city centre , cursing that all car parks were full. Decided to park up in the the new shopping mall. Never been inside before & found this was a truly poor move.
Ok , now 1:45 & the picnics due to finish at 2:00pm when the march was going to set off.
....and this is where I messed up. I got lost. I had removed my glasses purely for vanity's sake & left the car behind not thinking to check levels or rows. Firstly couldn't find my way out of the hot car park, then the shopping mall itself. Cursing my stupidity at forgetting my contacts & because I could not see the exit signs.
I finally found daylight & like walking off the carousel came out in an utterly foreign direction , confused, agitated & feeling unduly rushed.

Made through the throngs & to the empty park save for a few balloons & lingerers.

This time I just followed my ears, the procession wasn't to far.

I caught up nearing the end. Within a few hundred meters or so . Not a long procession I'll admit, but I think its more about presence than anything else?.

Now this is where I had a peculiar moment or two , which I've posthumously reflected upon. Always a bad thing.

In the end I watched as all strode past, smiling & waving in the sun, steel band rhythmically chiming away.
I found myself wondering if I truly belonged here. Mixed feelings of should I be proudly marching along, should I have some affinity with all these folks?.
I know that may sound a terrible thing to say.

LGBT. I only really apply to one category there. And is that one "category" really me? So I wonder what I should be showing off. Who I am ?. I've never really been proud of who I am.

I vaguely saw some friends in the crowd & really wanted to support them . Happy for them . But as usual I hesitated. Moment gone.

Just wandering along in the crown of onlookers was a casual friend Penny. I asked if she was joining in . She appeared to be happy to just watch from the sideline. I remember feeling some relief at this. A confirmed transsexual doesn't feel the need to express herself , perhaps I am justified in my hesitation. I can thank her for that & will do when I next see her.

In all my rush I had forgotten I was in town looking for all the world quite androgynous.
Maybe I'm too short sighted to notice if folk are giving me a second glance or care. I hear nothing said.

Ive spectacularly failed to take photos at the cabaret that evening. Diane parading while doing her act, at which point I think I almost passed out with the heat.

I ran into a few friends during the evening & now in fully girl mode

By the evenings end, I had restored a little of my faith that I'm not totally on my own on the outside all the time . Perhaps in some way I do belong .


Pandora Caitiff said...

I should probably write up my experience too. Shame I wasn't able to meet up with you :(

I too went casual - white t-shirt, denim shorts, black tights and trainers.