Self.

All spects of my self consciousness have to date been driven by my gender ambiguity.

Adding this new disability to the mental mix helps my state of mind little.

so its rare I will post a photo of myself.

I just liked this one.

...Laras Cat

An explination in prose : -

On the hearth lay Lara's Cat.
It coughed up fur. It hissed. It spat.
It scratched & bit , Clawed the Curtain.
Ate the Budgie,
Though that's not certain.
And all the while it mewed & purred
deep inside it evil stirred.

Curled up in the morning gloom
the cats cold eyes scanned the room
Planning mischief, havoc, play
to break the boredom of the day
And all the while it purred & mewed
deep inside it evil stewed.

Lara's cat raised to it's paws.
Arched it's back , stretched it's claws.
Rested, happy & content.
Flicked it's tail & off it went.
and all the while it lurked & prowled
deep within it evil howled.

...and after a while

Lara's Cat spied the bed.
Lara slumbered at it's head.
With one deft leap she reached the sheets.
then slowly, quietly began to creep.
From deep within the sound of laughter
as evil followed ever after.

Lara's cat, motions slow
She bared her claws & crouched down low
Waited for the perfect moment
to make a play , a deadly movement.
and all the while, deep within
Evil smiled it's Cheshire grin

Lara woke & saw the mog.
smiled & gave the puss a hug.
"Good Cat" said Lara, "Good Cat" she said.
stroked her fur, rubbed her head.
And deep within the badness quelled
as evil vanished and sin dispelled.

The moral of this tale is that,
there were two sides to Lara's cat.
In public a cute and furry mog.
,but deep with in an evil thug.
....and inside me, Well Lara resides
My resident evil and my other side.

Take from this tale what you will,
If your inner self is hiding still
Be it good or full of sin
If it grows without or lurks within.
Take some solice and peace in that
We're all no different from Laras' cat.

April 2016

Six weeks after major sugery I am attempting to move about a bit more and hopefully put some weight back on.

I don't think it's only the effect of the damage surgery has upon the body, but the dramatic loss of weight makes me feel at odds with my self.

Current time.

Times moving on.
I'm pretty sure no one reads blogs any more. There are too many alternatives and too little attention span for such things in these times.
This is more for my outlet now.

Life moves on again.
last year I lost my mother, closest friend and confidante.
She confided in me a few years ago she was aware of my situation in life and told me it didn't matter to her.
That was my coming out,  one I had dreaded all my life. As simple as that it was done. Weight lifted.
For that and a million other things I loved her and miss her deeply.

The year after my somewhat estranged father also took me aside, said he knew and that it was okay.

I feel I have been luckier than the majority of my friends to have such love and understanding.

To loose part of that understanding feel now like a step backward.

Identity

I've been in a strange place recently which I believed to be unique to myself, except for a couple of chance conversations had with friends & extended family members. 

Since the babies birth I & ,as I later discovered my partner, have been suffering a form of identity crisis. 

One of simply loosing ourselves.

Loosing how we identify ourselves & how we think others see us now. Strangely how we see each other.

All this because our lives now revolve around & focus almost 100% on baby.

For me this feeling extends beyond any conflicts I have. Male/female irrelevant.

Currently none of that exists. Maybe doesn't matter.  I'm one nor the other, just a parent. 

I feel whole facets of my life, my personality, my being have been stripped & swept aside to leave just this two dimensional person. 

No frills , just function.

Conflicting in as much that it feels so empty yet so fulfilling.

But I / we are not the only ones it seems.

How many times I've heard now from friends that this is how they have felt too.
How they just identify and are identified as being someones Mum, with their own persona erased.

I'm not to sure if this encouraging or not. 

I guess we need to change & adapt.
I may selfishly feel this harder because it's taken me so long to get where I was, but I doubt it.
I'll be there for her. I'll absorb this for myself

I would not change things for the world.

:O)

My beautiful daughter was born 25-2-2012.

I am so very happy.

New times

Things have moved on so much for me in the last two years.

Wonderful thing's, frightening things, anxious times, fantastic moments.

Good friends, a little more acceptance of my situation, a most of all wonderful new partner. All have helped life move on to a happier place.

Have I come to terms with myself ?

Maybe a little more. Still not without reservations, but I can't change my discomfort with my self fully just like that.

New questions are now raising however. I've always held to the belief I would not intentionally hurt any of my loved ones due to what I perceived in the past to be my oddity , my selfishness, my condition.

More people know of me now. There is a little less anxiety in my life, but my premise still holds.

I don't want to let my life effect others around me detrimentally in any way.

My daughter is due in March. A twist in my life I never expected to happen. Which makes life so, so wonderful , but suddenly so complex for me.

...Glamoflage

Glamoflage . The art of hiding in public spaces by being overtly fabulous.

I joined two very public parades this weekend. one sensible , one quite silly.

Of all the thousands of people that lined the route did anyone I know spot me ? 

Well they haven't said yet.

Bit disappointed really.

Perhaps my theory of Glamoflage really works ?

OMG I look like a drag queen. Told you it was silly :O) .